Fic: Profiling Decisions
Jul. 14th, 2011 08:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
starduchessTitle: Profiling Decisions
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
starduchess
Pairing: none, just Severus Snape
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1517
Warnings: one cuss word
Summary: Severus stares at the monitor, hands trembling ...
Notes: written for Severus *sighs* Dating Profile Challenge -- fill out the form (the bold text) with Severus' information -- go for comedy
Severus gritted his teeth at the monitor, hands trembling above the keyboard, unease invading his emotions.
Severus had been introduced enough to computers and the Internet by the new Muggle Studies teacher before this undertaking to know that everyone used a faux persona for presenting themselves, from the drab and mundane (alexie53) to the nauseatingly cutesy l33t speak (sw33t_h8t) [translation: sweetheart] to the vulgar and obnoxious (WzrdUPrA$$) [translation: wizard up your arse - American style].
No, if Severus was going to do this, his screen name had to be respectable and intriguing, yet not give himself away. GreasyGit would be too obvious (not to mention off-putting), along with DungeonBat, SlytherHead, PotionVisier, and SnarkyTeach. He thought about using his Patronus -- after all most people didn’t know it -- but SilverDoe sounded too wimpy, too feminine. Trying to merge the two halves of his personality -- the mean, bitter, dangerous half with the affection-starved, courageous, caring half (well, maybe not half; more like one-fifth) -- he finally settled on something that should be sufficiently dark and lonely.
Severus did not believe in beating about the bush, although he wished to remain somewhat anonymous. Seemed quite the oxymoron when looking for a potential mate he felt, but he didn’t want to be identified to the world either. Certainly he would not give his full name. Besides, potential possibilities might run screaming for the hills if they knew it was old Professor Snape. Hmm, that might be worth it for a bit of entertainment. But, no, he was going to be serious about this, so he typed Severus. Maybe that was still too obvious? Sev? Sevvie? Merlin, no. He contemplated a little longer, then deleted “us” and typed “in”. Yes, that would do.
No question there.
Again, how to make this truthful without giving anything away. Verbiage was always his strong suit and his armour, so a long, confusing description would work best, plus it had the added benefit that if anyone could decipher what he wrote, that person would be worthy of Severus’ attention.
There. It even contained alliteration.
No need to half the prospective pool based solely on gender. He would be grateful for any connection at this point.
The next three questions were easy. The part after that, he knew, would not be.
Severus stared at the screen, completely baffled. What kind of asinine question was this? People were people. How was he supposed to relate himself to any lessor creature? Unless they were referring to animagus forms, he thought. Thinking of Black and Lupin, he grimaced and typed his answer.
Again, Severus was appalled by the query. Of course, he wanted to meet up on the first date! How else were you supposed to get to know someone? Missives -- whether sent by owl or electronic post -- would only reveal so much about a person, plus it was a slow process. No, especially for a former spy wishing to read nuances and study his prey, it was imperative to meet face-to-face, so he typed the next answer.
Severus found himself blushing at this one. Although his days of teaching and espionage were busy times, and solitary, he did still have moments when he pursued relationships, even shallow ones. Unfortunately, the playing field had been abysmal for a Death Eater with a crooked nose (damn Black for breaking it in fourth year! yet another reason to have hated that mutt) and sarcastic whit (he’d been cast out on his ear a few times by offended partners). Severus decided on vagueness.
At least he didn’t have to think about the answer to this one. There was no way he would be less than dominate in sex.
Not bloody likely!
Severus looked down the form and saw that there was only one dreaded question left, the worst of the lot.
Calm. Just stay calm. You can do this, Severus, he kept telling himself. No need to Confringo the machine. Just write down something, anything, about yourself.
Severus groaned. That wasn’t what he meant to reveal. He erased that and started writing something else.
No, better edit that.
Severus frowned at the computer. He had tried to type “personality” but, though he clicked on the keys, nothing happened. His eyes searched the screen for a sign he had done something wrong. He tried the Backspace key. It erased “a”, “n”, “o”. Okay, try again.
That’s as far as it got. Backing up and trying a third time, he noticed the number counter at the top count down.
Ah, that was why. He had run out of space.
Severus was perturbed; he wasn’t finished yet! There was so much more to himself that he felt he should share, but looking back over his words, he did notice they were a little too blunt and open. Time to revise.
There. He was done. Reading back over it, he wondered if it was safe, if he looked like a fool, if fools would respond in kind. He felt ... exposed, but life was all about taking chances, right?
Fuck it. He wasn’t doing this.
He moved the mouse to “Cancel” and was about to press it, when his heart tightened, staying his hand. Did he really want to be alone forever? He needed to do this.
Fuming inside at his own hesitation and cowardice, he moved it to “Save and Send” and jammed the button to go.
The page cycled for a few seconds, then resolved with a new message.
Of course, you are, thought Severus sarcastically, staring at the screen in dismay. Now he had to wait. He hated waiting. But there was nothing for it until the initial 48 hours was over, then he could browse the whole list of potentials. He hoped it wouldn’t come to that though. Hopefully, someone would respond in his favour. Severus just hoped he liked them back.
--
So, feel free to send Severin an introductory message about yourself and asking to set up a first date!
Author:
starduchessPairing: none, just Severus Snape
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1517
Warnings: one cuss word
Summary: Severus stares at the monitor, hands trembling ...
Notes: written for Severus *sighs* Dating Profile Challenge -- fill out the form (the bold text) with Severus' information -- go for comedy
Severus gritted his teeth at the monitor, hands trembling above the keyboard, unease invading his emotions.
PART I: PERSONAL INFORMATION
Screen name:
Severus had been introduced enough to computers and the Internet by the new Muggle Studies teacher before this undertaking to know that everyone used a faux persona for presenting themselves, from the drab and mundane (alexie53) to the nauseatingly cutesy l33t speak (sw33t_h8t) [translation: sweetheart] to the vulgar and obnoxious (WzrdUPrA$$) [translation: wizard up your arse - American style].
No, if Severus was going to do this, his screen name had to be respectable and intriguing, yet not give himself away. GreasyGit would be too obvious (not to mention off-putting), along with DungeonBat, SlytherHead, PotionVisier, and SnarkyTeach. He thought about using his Patronus -- after all most people didn’t know it -- but SilverDoe sounded too wimpy, too feminine. Trying to merge the two halves of his personality -- the mean, bitter, dangerous half with the affection-starved, courageous, caring half (well, maybe not half; more like one-fifth) -- he finally settled on something that should be sufficiently dark and lonely.
Screen name: BlackDoe
Name:
Severus did not believe in beating about the bush, although he wished to remain somewhat anonymous. Seemed quite the oxymoron when looking for a potential mate he felt, but he didn’t want to be identified to the world either. Certainly he would not give his full name. Besides, potential possibilities might run screaming for the hills if they knew it was old Professor Snape. Hmm, that might be worth it for a bit of entertainment. But, no, he was going to be serious about this, so he typed Severus. Maybe that was still too obvious? Sev? Sevvie? Merlin, no. He contemplated a little longer, then deleted “us” and typed “in”. Yes, that would do.
Name: Severin
Gender: Male
No question there.
Occupation:
Again, how to make this truthful without giving anything away. Verbiage was always his strong suit and his armour, so a long, confusing description would work best, plus it had the added benefit that if anyone could decipher what he wrote, that person would be worthy of Severus’ attention.
Occupation: Pedantic Pedagogue in Practical Philters and Protective Programs
There. It even contained alliteration.
Sexual preference: Bisexual
No need to half the prospective pool based solely on gender. He would be grateful for any connection at this point.
The next three questions were easy. The part after that, he knew, would not be.
Age: 51
Height: 6’ 2’’
Weight: 13 stone
PART II: QUESTIONNAIRE
Are you a dog or cat person?
Severus stared at the screen, completely baffled. What kind of asinine question was this? People were people. How was he supposed to relate himself to any lessor creature? Unless they were referring to animagus forms, he thought. Thinking of Black and Lupin, he grimaced and typed his answer.
Cat person
What's a better first date: a walk along the beach or a romantic dinner for two?
Either. I am looking for engaging conversation and that should happen in either scenario. Relaxing in front of a fire sipping Firewhisky would also be most pleasant.
Do you like to hook up on the first date?
Again, Severus was appalled by the query. Of course, he wanted to meet up on the first date! How else were you supposed to get to know someone? Missives -- whether sent by owl or electronic post -- would only reveal so much about a person, plus it was a slow process. No, especially for a former spy wishing to read nuances and study his prey, it was imperative to meet face-to-face, so he typed the next answer.
Yes
How long has it been since your last relationship?
Severus found himself blushing at this one. Although his days of teaching and espionage were busy times, and solitary, he did still have moments when he pursued relationships, even shallow ones. Unfortunately, the playing field had been abysmal for a Death Eater with a crooked nose (damn Black for breaking it in fourth year! yet another reason to have hated that mutt) and sarcastic whit (he’d been cast out on his ear a few times by offended partners). Severus decided on vagueness.
Too damned long. Under the uncertain British climate, it was unwise to entertain a lasting commitment, but times have changed, and I am ready to pursue a serious relationship.
If you answered male to the sexual preference question above, do you prefer to top or bottom?
At least he didn’t have to think about the answer to this one. There was no way he would be less than dominate in sex.
Top
Click here to upload your photo!
Not bloody likely!
Severus looked down the form and saw that there was only one dreaded question left, the worst of the lot.
PART III: PROFILE
Tell us about you! How would you describe yourself as a person? What are your best qualities? What are your worst? Do you have any hobbies or outside interests? This is your chance to let your personality shine! (500 characters remain)
Calm. Just stay calm. You can do this, Severus, he kept telling himself. No need to Confringo the machine. Just write down something, anything, about yourself.
I like polka-dotted pajamas.
Severus groaned. That wasn’t what he meant to reveal. He erased that and started writing something else.
I am a shy, lonely individual who wants love
No, better edit that.
I am a shy, lonely, bitter individual who has been denied romance through dark circumstances. I do not suffer fools and have a difficult time making friends. I am more apt to sneer at you than smile. This is due largely to cynicism, paranoia, and a deeply embedded need to protect what’s left of my black heart. Silence is a music all to itself, as is a bubbling cauldron and the chopping of a knife blade. I value wit and intelligence, a refined palate, courage, self-sacrifice, and a strong persona
Severus frowned at the computer. He had tried to type “personality” but, though he clicked on the keys, nothing happened. His eyes searched the screen for a sign he had done something wrong. He tried the Backspace key. It erased “a”, “n”, “o”. Okay, try again.
persona
That’s as far as it got. Backing up and trying a third time, he noticed the number counter at the top count down.
(0 characters remain)
Ah, that was why. He had run out of space.
Severus was perturbed; he wasn’t finished yet! There was so much more to himself that he felt he should share, but looking back over his words, he did notice they were a little too blunt and open. Time to revise.
I am an introvert, denied romance through dark circumstances. I do not suffer fools and am irascible, but can be approached with an offering of dark chocolate. I am more apt to sneer at you than smile, due largely to cynicism and self-preservation. Silence is music, as is a bubbling cauldron. I value wit, intelligence, a refined palate, courage, self-sacrifice, a strong personality, and so will you. Responsible and loyal, but paranoid; it will take much to earn my trust. Up for the challenge?
There. He was done. Reading back over it, he wondered if it was safe, if he looked like a fool, if fools would respond in kind. He felt ... exposed, but life was all about taking chances, right?
Fuck it. He wasn’t doing this.
He moved the mouse to “Cancel” and was about to press it, when his heart tightened, staying his hand. Did he really want to be alone forever? He needed to do this.
Fuming inside at his own hesitation and cowardice, he moved it to “Save and Send” and jammed the button to go.
The page cycled for a few seconds, then resolved with a new message.
Thank you for your submission! Your profile has been added to our database of over 5 million users!
Our special dating software will correlate your information with others and find you up to twenty matches! Those matches will be sent a profile invitation and they have 48 hours to respond before you will have a chance to look through the database. Should one or more of the invites be accepted, their contact information will be forwarded to you, and you two may meet at your leisure. Please be respectful of others and have a fun time!
You may return to your profile from our main page under “User Profiles” with your screen name and this password: elfin125
Please keep it up to date, and let us know how you are doing!
We look forward to hearing your story!
Of course, you are, thought Severus sarcastically, staring at the screen in dismay. Now he had to wait. He hated waiting. But there was nothing for it until the initial 48 hours was over, then he could browse the whole list of potentials. He hoped it wouldn’t come to that though. Hopefully, someone would respond in his favour. Severus just hoped he liked them back.
--
So, feel free to send Severin an introductory message about yourself and asking to set up a first date!